Every day, it seems like there’s little reminders.
A couple years ago, my uncle took his life. It still feels so recent, so fresh.
Now, I don’t really know how to feel. There are so many emotions. There’s anger, that he’d so something so stupid, so foolish, so easily preventable. That certain forces got him to that point. That he couldn’t stop himself. That we didn’t stop him. That we didn’t help. That she’s still alive and he’s gone. That I can’t just call him up today. That he’s not going to be here for Christmas. That he wasn’t here for Thanksgiving. That he didn’t think of his daughter. That he didn’t think of us. That he didn’t… well… I don’t know.
Then there’s confusion. Over why it got that to that point. Over why he thought it was that bad. Over how when he solved his problem, he caused a million more. Over why it happened at all. Over what do we all do now?
There’s sadness. There’s regret. Then some more sadness, more anger, and it just starts all over again.
I guess now because it’s the holidays, I can’t stop thinking about him. It seems like there’s something, one little thing that happens every day, and I don’t know what to do. When I watch the Cowboys, I think about how he convinced me when I was a little boy that they were the team I should root for. I remember watching Troy Aikman, Emmitt Smith and Michael Irvin and those amazing mid-90s teams and thinking about him. I remember riding in his truck one time when I was older. He had the song “The Boys Are Back In Town,” playing a little too loud for me, but I didn’t care. I just enjoyed being with him. Now, whenever that song comes on my iPod, it makes me miss him, but it makes me happy. He was a really great guy. Lately, I’ve been listening to CMT in the mornings as I get ready for work. A few days, they’ll have Alcohol by Brad Paisley. My uncle battled alcoholism for most of his life and that song was played at his funeral. CMT had a top songs of the decade show recently, and Whiskey Lullaby was one of the choices. I had to turn the channel immediately.
I just don’t know how I should feel or what I should do now. I wish there was something, anything, I could do to just bring him back for five minutes. There’s never that kind of closure that they talk about in other kinds of deaths. It’s just ongoing. Some days, it frustrates the hell out of me that I can’t just call him anymore and tell him how much I love him and how much he means to me.
